Funeral Mute
by Daddy's Little Cannibal
Summary: Edward is a soul collector and Bella just died – more funny than dark. These are not my personal beliefs. ONE-SHOT


**A/N:** **Read this with an open mind, please.** I have **nothing** against religion. I actually love religion. I love knowing that there's some form of a higher power out there, it makes me feel comfortable, and keeps me from doing a lot of stupid things. But I also love dark religion humor. You have to be able to take a joke to read this. You can't take this seriously. **This is NOT my personal belief.** This is humor sake only and I love this story. I think it's hysterical. You may not. Ah well. Don't hurt me.

**Summary:** Edward is a soul collector and Bella just died – more funny than dark. Warning: Talks about life after death, read with an open mind. These are not my personal beliefs.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Twilight_.

"It doesn't matter who you have faith in as long as you have faith…"  
-_Dogma _

**Funeral Mute**

I was pretty sure I was dead. I guess it could have been the fact that I was currently staring at the black coffin – that held my soulless body – as it was slowly lowered six feet into the ground where it would stay for the rest of eternity. I might not have a working heart but I could feel my emotions loud and clear as I watched my family and friends start to cry as the preacher said his last prayer for the day.

It was sunny outside, which I didn't mind. I would have much rather had my funeral in the sun than in the rain, the rain was too cliché. I took a silent step to my grave stone. I could feel the grass stick my bare feet. I had shoes on when I died, but they were high heels and even dead I was still the clumsiest person in the world. You have no idea what it's like to fall flat on your face in your own apartment and then sink through the floor only to land on the front desk to your apartment complex.

I died in my apartment. I accidentally choked on a chicken wing that I was eating while I was waiting for my date – which never showed up. I waited for days by my body, anxious for someone to find me so I could go to wherever I was supposed to go after someone died, but because my date didn't show up (and because no one could see or hear me) it took three days before the smell sneaked through the walls and someone finally called the police – that wasn't embarrassing. By than my rigor mortis had faded and my body was able to move, but the smell was so strong that a few of the paramedics actually got sick.

Instead of following my body back to the hospital where I would have to witness a painful autopsy, I decided that I would see the world. It's easy for me to get around, I can walk through walls, I don't get tired, and I'm much faster than I was when I was human – no matter how clumsy I still am. It's easier for me to be transparent than it is for me to be solid, so I've fallen through the streets a couple of times and landed in sewer water. Luckily, I can't get wet but the smell lingers.

I knelt in front of my tombstone and laid my back against it as I watched family members and friends say their final goodbye. I kind of wished that I was in that _Huckleberry Fin _(or was it _Tom Sawyer_) book. Where they pretend to be dead but then they show up out of nowhere and everyone is happy again. I sighed and leaned my head back on the tombstone. I've heard many theories of death – even created some of my own, what I didn't expect was this. This was humiliating and annoying. I couldn't even haunt people!

"There you are!" An aggravated voice called behind me.

I turned my head to see a tall bronzed hair man stalk towards me, his arms firmly at his side. I blinked a couple of times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating and he was actually talking to me and not someone else. No one seemed to notice he was there. So I pointed to my chest and mouthed 'me?'

"Yes you!" The bronzed hair man growled at me. I got to my feet slowly and turned to him, brushing imaginary dirt off of my dress.

"You can see me?" I asked still pointing at my chest. He was the first person to see me since I died. I was excited!

He rolled his eyes. "Well that was original." He mumbled sarcastically.

I frowned at him. "You don't have to be so rude." The pain was evident in my voice, I just died, ok maybe not _just_ died, but I was dead. It's not like I've died before. I'm not Elvis!

He sighed before grabbing the bridge of his nose. "In all of my years of collecting souls, no one has ever given me as big of a headache as you." He told me harshly.

My mouth dropped and my eyes widened. "You're Death?" I gasped.

He removed his fingers from his nose and rolled his eyes. "Another one I've never heard before." He mumbled sarcastically under his breath. "No! I'm Edward." He corrected me before grabbing my elbow and dragging me across the cemetery. "C'mon I don't have all day! There are more souls to collect."

"Wait." I pulled my arm from his grip. "I have questions."

He stopped in his step. "Of course you do," he turned to me and stood still waiting for me to ask my first question.

"Where are we going?" I decided to ask, what I thought was, the easiest question first.

"Heaven, Nirvana, that big white thing in the Sky, God's bowling alley, whatever you want to call it that's where we're going." He answered quickly. I smiled as I took it in, slowly. I was going to heaven. I couldn't help but smile at the thought that I – Isabella Swan – was going to meet God. "Are you done yet?" Edward asked rudely bringing me out of my thoughts.

My smile turned to the frown before I asked my second question. "If there's a heaven does that mean there's a hell?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Are you a Christian?" He asked. I nodded. He grabbed the bridge of his nose and looked like he was in pain. "God, I hate explaining this to Christians…" He mumbled. "Ok, there is a God."

I nodded.

"And there's a devil."

I nodded again.

"But they don't hate each other."

I frowned.

"There's also no hell, that's just an old wise women tale to get children to eat their vegetables, men to be faithful to their wives, and teenagers to stop chronically masturbating – obviously it hasn't worked."

"So does that mean everyone goes to heaven?" I asked, thinking about what he said.

Edward nodded. "Yes. God loves all his 'children' and he would _never_ make any of his 'children' suffer through eternity in hell." He bent to fingers – mimicking quotation marks – every time he said "children."

I smiled. "I like that."

Edward smiled at me, "does this mean you're ready to go?"

I shook my head. "One more question."

He groaned. "What could you possible need to know now?"

"How is that you can collect so many souls at once? People die by the second."

Edward gave me an 'are you stupid look.' "There's more than one like me. You don't honestly think that I can collect all these souls by myself. Finding you was hard enough but collecting every soul at once, that would be impossible."

"What took you so long to collect me?" I asked quickly.

He frowned. "I thought you said you only had one more." He took a deep breath, which confused me – I didn't know that dead people could breathe. I couldn't breathe. It wasn't fair! He could breathe and I couldn't! "We can't collect the soul until the body is found. It's a rule that God made when this liberal crap started, someone needs to be with the body at all times, namely the soul that came out of the body. Apparently you were an exception." He shot me a glare.

"I was with the body until they found me…than I left." I said coolly.

"And you left why?" He asked raising his hands in the air while shaking his head.

"I didn't want to watch them give me an autopsy."

Edward didn't say anything he grabbed the bridge of his nose and pressed on it. I felt embarrassed as I watched how aggravated he was. I decided that the rest of my questions about death would be answered at a later time.

"We can go now." I whispered softly.

Edward pulled his hands away from his nose and looked at me. "Can we really?" I've never heard anyone sound as happy as he was.

I frowned at him before nodding. "Yeah," I finally whispered. "I have rest of eternity to find out the rest of my questions, right?" I tried to sound hopeful.

"Exactly," Edward encouraged as he grabbed my arm again. "Let's go."

He dragged me across the cemetery. I waited for a black hole to suddenly appear in front of us or we somehow disappear into the sunlight. But instead he took me a Volvo, not a black Volvo or even a white Volvo, but a silver Volvo. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. He ignored my confusion and opened the door for me. I smiled at him.

"A silver Volvo," I couldn't hide my amusement.

"What did you expect?" Edward asked as he got into the Volvo.

"I don't know an elevator, black hole, stair case, a black parade." I didn't know if he would get the song references I was making.

"You did not honestly make a My Chemical Romance reference, did you?" He turned to me as he started the car and raised an eyebrow. "Led Zeppelin I could live with, but not My Chemical Romance."

"So you know Led Zeppelin?" I asked.

"Of course!" He pressed the power button on his radio and a CD started to play, it wasn't Led Zeppelin. I didn't what the band was; just that it was nice background music.

"Have you met any celebrities?" I asked interested in hearing more about his job.

Edward turned to me like I had just told him that I was growing a second head. "No. Celebrities don't die. I thought Elvis proved that." Edward mumbled sarcastically.

"Who have you met?" I pressured.

"Kurt Cobain," Edward started to list off the celebrities he met. "He didn't kill himself and neither did Hitler." My eyes widened as I waited for him to explain. But he didn't add any more on the subject. "I also met Dimebag Darrell, really funny guy, Anna Nicole Smith -"

I couldn't hide my laughter at the mention of Anna Nicole Smith. "What was she like?" I interrupted.

"Blonde. Very blonde. Very, very blonde. It was moments like those that I wished that God had made a hell, just so I wouldn't have to run into her again."

"Do you live in heaven?" I asked, smiling.

Edward turned towards me and nodded. "Everyone does."

"What is it like?" I asked, my excitement growing.

"You'll find out," His voice got softer. "So do you want to tell me how you died?"

"Accidentally choked on a chicken wing," I blushed. Edward just nodded. I bit my bottom lip. I was very gracious that he wasn't laughing at me. "How did you die?" I decided that it wasn't too awkward to ask.

"Spanish Influenza," He sighed. "Not as exciting as choking on a chicken wing." He smiled at me.

"How do you become this death like person?" I asked.

"Just ask God. It's great for when you get bored and want to meet new people." Edward looked at me. "If you want I can put in a good word for you."

"Really?" I asked, excitedly.

"You'll need someone to ride with, so you know how to do it. That'll mean that you'll be seeing a lot more of me." Edward frowned at me as he waited for my reaction.

"I don't mind," I answered quickly.

"It's not a happy job." Edward turned back to the road. "Not everyone dies happily."

"It's still better than sitting around heaven all day."I tried to make light of the situation.

"You'll like heaven." Edward turned towards me and smile.

"How's that headache?" I asked, changing the subject. I didn't want to think about heaven, it would get me too excited.

"Better," Edward turned back to the road. "You're not as bad as I thought you'd be."

"Thanks," I twisted my face. "I think."

Edward chuckled. "That was a compliment."

"You're not good at giving compliments." I mumbled.

Edward laughed. "This is going to be a very interesting eternity."

**End.**

**A/N: **I needed a one-shot in my system. And so I finally finished this one-shot. I love it. It's so funny. I'm not forcing any beliefs on anyone. This isn't my personal belief. I don't like to think about life after death. I like to think about now. I think it's funny, you may not. I know that a lot of people don't like people picking at their religion or beliefs and I don't personally care what your belief is. You can believe that we're all dolphins and I could care less. That's why I didn't put my personal beliefs in here. I made up stuff that I thought fit with the story. So if you liked it, please review.

Daddy's Little Cannibal


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